Its Been so Long

I hear you whisper, “Ray, where are you. You have been away for to long now.”

“I’m sorry Father, all this work just keeps driving you out, driving you out.”

I know I’m hurting, and I know exactly what I need to do, yet its so hard.

My foot treads lightly, doubting the only solid ground, I’ve known thus far.

How could you love me, after all these wicked things Ive done, these things I do?

With all my sinning, I stick this spear deep within you, all the way through.

I feel so empty, how did I fall this far, what have I missed.

Father I beg you, take me away from all this, with clenching fists.

“Enough is enough, son you are made to be just like me, your blood I bleed.”

Sometimes we must die, in order to be set free. I’m finally clean.

 

Father I’m running, faster than I ever have before, right to your door.

Your arms wide open, Loving me as you did, you do, forever more.

My fear escaping, I finally feel your peace, it consumes me!

You take me burden, the weight is no longer heavy. I can Finally breathe.

“Now that I’m home Lord, please allow me to obey your will. What is your will?”

“I only ask you to believe in me, and tell the world I’m real, I love them still”.

“Please let them know, I love them still.”

“I love you still.”

Momma’s Going to buy you a Mockingbird.

In my heart, I wish for life to flourish and for vitality to reign.

Yet my hand only brings destruction and pain.

I look around and see others with their family

Their smiles abound. They live so happily

But I am away from everything I ever knew as home

I sit in the darkness and cry all alone

A dream was given to me, possibly a sign

Forecasting the departure of this mother of mine

The pain in my heart, she has lost her faith

Do not take her yet, Father please wait.

What am I to do, what can I say.

After all, I am just her little Ray

My prayer is that when her time finally comes

Her little Ray led her to the Son.

Jesus be with her and me as well

Give my mother the faith to escape from hell

As she fades slowly, I stare in her eye

I hold her hand tightly and kiss her goodbye.

I will always love you Mom.

Learning something New

At first I hated it

I wanted nothing more than to flee from it

It took something I once loved and destroyed it

Walls built strong that were toppled and crumbled

The enemy stood at the ready with torches

Pointing the flame at my city

I believed that all was lost

But the more I looked at this enemy

I saw the good in it. How it could bring me life

I began to understand it and desire it more and more.

It started to give me life.

The enemy quenched its torches

and picked up the hammer and nail.

What I once hated is now building me up

My walls are growing higher

My city is stronger than ever.

My family is safe again.

Run!

If you asked me everyday to do something and I never did it, would you still love me? If I hurt you all the time and betrayed you constantly, would you still love me? If i promised to be better and then acted the same way the next day, would you still love me? If I beat you and cursed you and disrespected your very existence, would you still love me? If i went days without ever saying a word to you, even though you were always there, would you still love me? If I made time for others and not you, would you still love me? If I spent my entire life hating you and on my death bed asked for your forgiveness, would you still love me, even when I hated you? Would you love me if I killed you?

I have done all these things. As high as mountain tops my sin abounds. As deep as oceans my folly consumes me. As black as night my heart conspires with wickedness. I am the epitome of evil.

All these things, all these sins, all this pain, all this evil, He still loves me. No matter what I could possible do, He still loves me. I run towards the love. This love is so powerful that i flee from my past as fast I can.  For no matter what you have done, He still loves you. He still loves me. His love will change you, His love will guide you, and His love will sustain you. Run towards unfailing love and your past will only speed your journey. Run little children run, and don’t look back.

Gold in the Fire

There once was a woman whose strength could not be measured. Not of physical means, but of her heart and will. Day in and day out she set an example to everyone on the subject of carrying on. No matter how much pain she had to deal with, she never slowed, stopped, or even winced. However loss separation is difficult for even the strongest of will.  She kept it all to herself. It ate at her, prevented sound sleep, and it stole her happiness. Her shell was laced with a poison that drained her slowly. Eventually the pain was to much and she had no one to lean on. She was lost entirely.

There once was a man raised in debauchery and smoke. His body was filled with toxins. His mind was flooded with deceit. He searched and longed for love but he never found it. With eyes wide open, he learned all that was taught to him. He learned to ignore his problems and numb the pain. He learned to not trust anyone. Pain and loneliness was all he knew. He was lost entirely.

There once was a couple who finally understood what it all meant. They giggled and laughed like they never had before. They took interest to the passions of the other. They cared more about their partner than themselves. They spent every day in reverence to  God for the moments they shared. Their past made them strong, their present was happiness, their future was a family. They had finally found their way.

Daughter

Eyes that stare intently 

Wanting only to represent me

To learn from me and to love me

Arms that only want to hug me

 

She copies my every action

My attention is her satisfaction

She loves how I sing her to sleep

And feed her the best pancakes one can eat

 

At this moment, she is not real

Not yet, for time is standing still

In several years, in a perfect world

I can finally see my little girl.

 

So right now while we are waiting

and while God is creating

I will just think of you and smile

waiting on my perfect child.

Passageway

I stare down a passage way

and view the dark side of the moon

 

I see the helpless who lost her faith in prayer

The one who inhales more smoke than air

 

I can not look at her, for to much sorrow

I don’t know if she will see tomorrow

 

I stare down a passageway 

Hoping she finds her peace soon.

Rocking Chair

I still see her now

Full of worry without a care

Forgetting to forget

Living in a rocking chair

Once I knew her not, merely a reflection

That day that she fell, God made His selection

To send me as the one to help this poor old lady

To comfort when the absence of thought drives her crazy

A life long lived is rapidly passing

Once full of adventure, now consistent in napping

She counts every moment like clocks on the wall

Then suddenly forgets she ever counted at all.

That face I remember never knew so much sorrow

Forgetting today while she looks for tomorrow

Every moment the same, no difference she finds

A House light up for sight, aids me in going blind

Her questions repeat, finding relief in my answer

This dementia grows hungry, eating her cells like a cancer

She traveled the world but photographs are all that remain

Her mind is a treasure that no medicine can claim

It tries and it tries, but to no avail

There are holes in the boat. There is a tear in the sail

My God! My God! This sight that I see

I pray my dear Savior “Do not let this happen to me”

To her I’ll be near, friendly words I shall speak

I will remind her that tomorrow is the start of a new week

Lord please give me the right things to say

I’ll comfort this woman until her dying day

I still see her now

Full of worry without a care

Forgetting to forget

Dying in a rocking chair

VISION

Once there was a man in chains

His condition was very strange

He had no sight at all

but great vision he had obtained 

“I can not see to pluck my strings

or to gaze at all the finer things

but I can hear the beautiful song

and remember how my woman sings”

“All my sight has gone away

Complete darkness each and every day

 However My vision is as strong as ever

each and every time I play.”

“Play now for those in your midst”

“Certainly” he said, “if you insist”

A great presence fell over the room

Suddenly the chains broke from his wrists.

How can this be, we are amazed

The crowd looked on in disarray 

The man was released from his binds

Whenever he began to play

Sometime in life you don’t have to see

To live life to its entirety  

Be kind to all and do what you love

and surely God will set you free. 

Broken Glass

When I was a boy, I wanted to grow up to be a baseball player. It was my dad’s dream more than my own, but still the idea fascinated me. The driveway of my childhood country home was well equipped with an array of various rocks of all sizes. Being a boy, I loved to throw these rocks for substantial amounts of time, given I had but a little sister, for my brother had moved out, and being on the poorer end of society, not many others forms of entertainment were presented to me. An indention on a tree, the pigs or dogs, and the mailbox were all suitable targets, but never did I dare whirl myself around and throw in the direction of the house. It had been imprinted in my brain to respect and protect the little that we did have, and therefore the trees suffered most of my punishment. However, on a warm summer evening, my sister stepped up to our glass screen door, peering into the front yard to catch eyes with me holding a golf ball sized rock in my hands. A sudden unexplainable urge came over me in  that moment, and I had no choice but to hurl the rock at what seemed to be an incredible speed, directly at my little sisters face. She made no attempt to get out of harms way, for time did not allow for plausible thoughts to be conjured, one must simply accept the flash of consequences at hand. The glass shattered into a million pieces, sharp blades encompassed my sisters being. Immediately, I feared for the worst. After the initial shock of my terribly rash decision, I ran up the wooden stairs of our porch, skipping a step at a time, as accustomed, to make sure she was ok. By the grace of God, not a mark was laid upon the child, not a cut to be found. My young mind wondered how this was so, for I saw the pieces of glass fly everywhere. I picked a piece up to inspect it more thoroughly, dullness was not among its qualities. Mind boggled, I went to look at the scene of the crime, the screen door. As i stared at it for quite some time, something in my brain clicked, for I now knew the answer. The glass was entirely busted, except for a small portion in one of the corners, yet my memory permits me from stating a specific one, which was decorated by a small sticker that was placed there by my mother. The sticker was a black cross, untouched and standing proudly, placed upon the glass with purpose, a living object that needed no heart. In this moment I was acquainted with God’s desire to save, to protect, to stand alone when the fragile glass we build shatters and is no more. So many times I choose to go my own way in life, to put other stickers on my screen door, or even try to cover up the cross in the corner. God knows how I need him in the center, for I always end up broken without him.